Friday, March 26, 2010

Resolved I will be better…

The other night a most unfortunate thing happened. I got drunk, well drunk is an understatement. I found myself waking up with a hangover but a more disturbing feeling of not remembering what happened at the end of the night. We have all had those moments I’m sure, lucky for me my brother (from another mother) was looking out for me and gave me the 411 on the evening’s activities. He informed me that I was very rude and disrespectful to a young lady, and if that wasn’t bad enough I didn’t remember the encounter. As the story goes she was a beautiful young woman who obviously wasn’t enamored with my inebriated charms and I snapped on her, which she didn’t deserve. She should have slapped me-I would have deserved it, but she constrained her self. This was followed by throwing up outside and being loud and obnoxious going into my apartment. And while some of it was funny it was unsettling to know I acted like an ass.

Over the years I made the claim that I’m on a path to be refined and sophisticated so that I may be a pleasure to others while in their company. However these blunders often make me wonder if I will ever arrive at that destination. Wise enough to know my limits, courageous enough to step away from the indulgence when I have reached it, aware of the characters that they can conjure up.

It’s been said that “final mystery is oneself” and on this journey I have realized that I have qualities unbecoming of the man I want to be. Yet we all seem afraid to confront the things that could give us the most liberation, the darkness that lurks within our souls awaiting the moments to rear its ugly head through our vanity or our vices, and seemingly diminishing our characters. But we must ”confront the dark parts of ourselves, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Our willingness to wrestle with our demons will cause our angels to sing…”

To the young lady I encountered I wish that I could apologize to you face to face, taking with it whatever verbal tongue lashing or worse that came with it. But this is my only forum with which I can offer my sincerest regret for my actions, intimidated by the allure of your femininity and charms, and filled with “liquid courage” I did not present myself as someone worth your time instead as a coward who couldn’t handle rejection. But as I continue to live, I continue to learn, and I evolve and resolve to do and become a better individual.