Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Here I am.

Life is funny. We define ourselves by what we do thinking that our position makes us who we are-interestingly enough historically occupations did define our status and name in society that’s where many of our last names come from. Our perception often times seem skewed we are either complaining about our situation with no plans to change it, or we’re holding on so tightly to it that we think we will die if we lose it, when letting go could be the most liberating opportunity for us to really begin living. We forget about our fellow man or woman who have it much worse than we do. And rarely do we really appreciate the things we have. I was blessed to be educated in a conversation that I had with a young lady who was going through a storm in her life and had almost given up. I found myself encouraging her, yet simultaneously asking myself the last time I encouraged myself? Telling her she needed to speak life into her own situation, and asking myself when was the last time I gave myself affirmation? Telling her that her substance didn’t lie in possessions, but asking myself how much substance I was giving to the material things in my life? Our conversation inspired this prose and I’m truly thankful for her lesson and her blessings.
It’s quiet now, and the silence deafening. All I hear is my thoughts screaming accusations of all of my faults and shortcomings, all of my failures, all of my mistakes to me. I am only rescued by the sound of crying, I look to see who is there and only realize it’s me when I taste the salt from tears. It is so cold the winds of doubt and loneliness are blowing all around me I cry out for help but no one seems to answer. It is so dark that I can’t see what is in front me and so here I remain seemingly drowning the abyss of dispair. Lost in the recess of my perception.
My history is comprised of what they thought of me, because they think they know me. Hell they ought to they raised me and developed me teaching me what they thought would be important in life. But now it doesn’t seem to hold weight in this place. They told me “get good grades so you can get into a good school” so I did. They told me to “get a good job, a house, so you can find a mate” so I did.
The sun was shining on my life, then the clouds of trials began to roll in, and the rain of tribulation began to fall and the floods of stress and fear consumed me. I lost my job then my house, and nobody wanted me, so here I am, cold, destitute, and lonely. I am haunted by all of things that I was supposed to be, with the promise those accomplishments would bring the blossom of spring in my life but spring never came. I have lost everything but here I am.
Here I am.
Here I am breathing, clothed, sheltered, and in my right mind, with all that I have lost I must never forget what I have gained. Here I am stronger with the knowledge that life’s hardships could not break or deter me. Here I am Here I am wiser understanding that those things they said I should have don’t mean anything if they don’t mean anything to me. Here I am finding my strength in my struggle. Fulfillment truly comes when there is balance. One cannot not truly appreciate pleasure without pain, cannot truly appreciate success without failures, and can’t truly know their strength until it is tested. That substance lies not in what others say about me, but what I say about myself. I found peace in the chaos of my thoughts He touched me and the warmth of the Son filled me and the light that was in me permeated the darkness and I began to shine.


Adrian said...

I love what you wrote here(:
Especially when you said this:
One cannot not truly appreciate pleasure without pain, cannot truly appreciate success without failures, and can’t truly know their strength until it is tested.

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